Ask Anything – Making Gift Giving (and Recieving) Meaningful – December 2013

Making Gift Giving (and Recieving) Meaningful
by: Dr. Tina Lepage

Q: My children have started asking for Christmas gifts. Every year when they start making their lists I struggle with being reminded how much *stuff* my kids already have, and concerns we are ‘spoiling’ them. Truthfully they get so many toys and gadgets and movies throughout the year I don’t see them being as appreciative of things as my siblings and I were as kids. While economically we are better off than our parents and our kids are going to have more toys, clothes, trips, etc. than we did, ideally I want to balance that with not giving them so much stuff they don’t really appreciate things — both appreciate the things themselves and get as much satisfaction out of them, and appreciate us for giving it to them. How do I find balance in this??!! Help!

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Yes, it’s time for the Christmas frenzy to start revving up again! The holiday season is often a time of excitement and over-stimulation for kids leaving parents and children feeling spent and perhaps somewhat empty when it’s over. But you have made some really important points in your question and I think with a few modifications you can shift this year’s holiday season to a more balanced and meaningful experience for everyone. From a meaning perspective, Christmas gifts are about relationships and about giving and receiving – it’s not about the toys!

You probably speak for many when you say you are better off than your parents and can afford to buy more things, etc., and not feel the pinch of being unable to afford something. I remember when I was a kid, we didn’t have dessert every night of the week so when we did have it, my father would always make a big deal of it, saying it was a “special treat.” It really felt like a special treat to me and my siblings – it was a mini-celebration. I remember savoring that ice cream! How often these days do we have the experience of really feeling like something is a “special treat,” especially something simple like ice cream for dessert? So many of our children today are missing out on the opportunity to experience the feeling that something is a special treat; they get so much stuff so frequently that they lose the ability to feel that something is special. There is no meaning in the experience and the child is often left just wanting more. So how do we enjoy being more financially comfortable than our parents without spoiling our children? How do we shift from a meaningless frenzy of toys and over-stimulation to something more meaningful and balanced?

Here are a few suggestions for shifting from meaningless to meaningful this holiday season:

1. Set your own intention as parents to provide for your children the meaningful experience of appreciating what they receive. If you are not clear that this is what you want for yourself and your children, it will be very difficult to set it in motion. In order to become clear about your intention, just give yourself a little time to reflect on and visualize what you would like the holidays to look like in your family and home. Even though it seems simple, this is really important! Rather than focusing on what you’re not happy with, try to bring clearly into focus your vision of a healthy experience of giving and receiving for your children. See if you can not only visualize this but also feel what it would be like to look back on your Christmas experience this year and have a sense of gratitude for having taken the time to make your intentions clear and setting into motion the kind of experience you can be grateful for.

2. Once your intentions are clear, make some guidelines for yourself. Ask yourself: what kind of limits do I want to set for spending money on the children? What occasions merit the purchase of more toys for the kids? Am I going to buy something every time I go out to the store with them? Get clear on these guidelines for yourself. Again, this just takes a little time for reflection and perhaps a conversation with your spouse – talk it through with each other to get become clearer with yourselves.

3. To counterbalance all of the receiving your children will be doing, set up a way for them to give also. For example, why not talk to them and imagine with them what it is like for other children who don’t have as much as they do and then ask them what they think they could do for those children. Maybe they will come up with an idea such as giving some of their other toys away. (Don’t make specific suggestions though; whatever they do will be more meaningful if they thought of it.) Be careful in this conversation not to evoke guilt in your children! No one likes to be preached to and made to feel guilty. This is more about developing gratitude within themselves and compassion for others. Christmas time is the perfect time of year for this. Come up with a plan with the children and make sure you see it through. Don’t just talk about it and then not follow through.

4. Finally, you can make a point of really paying attention and graciously receiving when your kids, your spouse, or your friends give something to you. You can model the behavior for them. But again, be sure that if you do this, you genuinely feel the gratitude yourself – rather than just trying to make a show for the kids. They can see through that kind of thing in a heartbeat!

We live in a culture that emphasizes consumerism and the glory of stuff. But that doesn’t mean this materialistic culture has to pervade your family culture and home. Make a date with your spouse or set aside some time for setting your intention and coming up with some guidelines for yourself. With a little investment of time and intention, you can create something with your family that you will feel good about. When you do, that will be the true gift you give your children this year.