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by Laura Gilliom
Member
Chapel Hill/Carrboro Mothers Club
As parents, most of us have had someone tell us that
our children "will be grown before we know it," or that we should "enjoy them while
they're little, it won't last long," or some variation of that sentiment. While we
may know they're right, it's often hard to enjoy or appreciate our children as much
as we would like, because the truth is that parenting, while rewarding at times,
is also quite often trying, exhausting, tedious, frustrating, and just plain hard.
However, many (myself included) have found that parenting mindfully can really help
us get through the tough times and find more joy in ordinary moments.
What is mindful parenting?
Mindful parenting is learning to be more fully present with
your children in good moments and difficult ones. (Do you really need to make one more
phone call right now? Do you find yourself saying "Uh-huh," and "That's great, honey,"
without really listening, more often than you'd like?)
Mindful parenting is seeing your children more clearly for
who they really are—rather than who we hope, wish, or expect them to be—and
helping them be fully themselves. (Does it really matter if he isn't walking as early
as the other kids in your playgroup, or if she doesn't entertain herself as nicely
as your mother thinks she should?)
Mindful parenting is tuning in to your own "inner expert"
about what is required in a given situation. You know your child better than anyone.
With focused attention, you can probably tell if misbehavior is due to fatigue, over
stimulation, a need to assert independence, or something else, and respond accordingly.
Ask yourself, "What is the best I can offer right now?"
Mindful parenting is observing your own thoughts and emotions
pass through awareness, knowing they will not last, and choosing whether or not to act
on them. Most of us feel impatience, irritation, and even rage on a fairly regular
basis when raising children, but with mindfulness we can acknowledge the feelings
without being controlled by them.
As you may have noticed, all of these things are simple but
not always easy. Mindfulness requires an intention to be more "in the present" and
daily practice in coming back to the present moment—back from the many places
our busy minds take us. But the rewards of mindful living and parenting are enormous.
Some wonderful books on the subject are Everyday Blessings, by Myla and Jon
Kabat-Zinn; Zen Parenting, by Judith Costello and Jurgen Haver; and
Buddhism for Mothers, by Sarah Napthali.
Laura Gilliom originally joined the Mothers Club in
its first year and is eternally grateful for the support it offered her as a new
mom. Her sons are now 4 and 7, and she tries hard to be a mindful mom, at least
most of the time. She is a clinical psychologist with a part time practice seeing
couples and families, and she conducts Mindful Parenting groups. She can be reached
at laura.gilliom at mindspring.com.
Posted February 2006
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