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by Evette Horton
Founder
Chapel Hill/Carrboro Mothers Club
This month, we have "One from the Vault"—a parenting
article written in the first year of our Mothers Club! I have had so much fun rereading
the newsletters from our first, fledgling years. In this article we had just had the
Mothers Club's 1st Birthday Party. It's hard to believe!! The words still feel important to our stressful parenting job.
I hope it helps you think about how the parenting job has changed over the past 100 years,
and how we can use the club to support our current situation!
A friend was complaining that her two-year-old daughter wasn't
playing independently. Mom was getting nothing of substance done around the house. She
wondered out loud to me if our generation was doing something wrong. Didn't we play
independently when we were little? In an effort to be super parents, are we too focused
on entertaining our kids and "quality time" these days? Do our kids expect us to spend
all their waking moments in direct play?
I tried to assure her that though they are very frustrating,
these "clingy" (a.k.a. whiny, "carry me mommy", "you be the dinosaur today mommy")
phases would come and go depending upon her daughter's physical and emotional condition
at any given time—illness, teething, new sibling, tough day at preschool, growth spurt,
etc. I told her to try and read it as a sign that something was going on with her
daughter. After all, her daughter had a new sibling and that was surely affecting her.
But I did wonder. . . . I, too, have grown weary from time to time of the infinite
sand-in-the-loader-and-dump-it game, and wondered if I'm playing too much with Jaron.
Should I be cleaning my filthy house instead? I mean I don't think I've dusted since
Jaron was born. (Sorry, playgroup!) I thought about it for a long time. What is
different? I think I have found the answer.
In previous generations, moms didn't worry about independent
play time. In many instances, moms were surrounded by tons of other moms via their
families, neighborhoods, and places of worship. Toddlers usually had a lot of significant
others to play with—grandma, cousins, aunts, neighborhood kids—ALL THE TIME. Many
times you didn't even have to drive to get to any of these built-in mommy helpers. The
extended family lived with you so when mommy was busy, some other family member
stepped in to take over play time. My mother has vivid memories of her toddler years
and playing with her grandfather who lived across the field. It wasn't like it is now
with extended families, neighbors in some cases, and places of worship miles away.
So yes, things have changed, but it is not our kids' independent
playing skills. It is our culture's built in support system for families that has eroded.
WE are not doing something wrong; OUR KIDS are not doing something wrong when they voice
their desire for more mommy time. It's just that a lot of times these days, we have
mommies (and sometimes daddies) and kids stuck alone inside four walls. That can make you
crazy—and that is why we need the Mothers Club.
The Mothers Club obviously cannot make up for all these
familial changes in our culture, but it can get you out of the house. It may help you
find friends who you can count on when you need someone to baby-sit. It may help you
find other children for your child to play with—which always helps with the clingy
or whiny or teething periods. (Mom's Night Out always helps my whiny times also!).
The bottom line is: In today's fast-paced and very mobile
society, we have a real need to create community for ourselves, because the old days
are gone, and with them have gone the kind of community many of us grew up with. That
is why the Mothers Club is here, and that is how you are invited to use it and
participate in it—as a way of creating community in an otherwise isolating world.
Thanks for a great first year, and I look forward to seeing your renewals, not just
of membership, but of your energy and commitment to making this club the valuable
and wonderful community it has become.
Speaking of our first year: What fun we had at the 1st
Birthday Party! Thanks to all the folks who came out for it—old-timers and new
members. And special thanks to the Board members who helped make it possible.
(Evette, October 2000 Mothers Club newsletter.)
Posted March 2006
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