by: Lepage Associates Psychological Services

Q: My kids (five and seven) are in a really annoying stage right now where everything has to be “fair.” Every little thing is scrutinized to make sure that the other sister doesn’t have a tiny bit more of a good thing or a tiny bit less of an unwanted one. I know it’s normal because I hear myself channeling my parents with “well sometimes life isn’t fair!” but I know adults who seem hung up on fairness and I don’t want my kids to turn out like that. How should a parent handle the not-fair stage?_____________________________________________________________________________________

A: When children complain about something not being fair they are usually saying something isn’t equal – he gets to stay up later than I do, I have more chores than she does. But as this visual illustrates, equality and equity are not the same thing. Equality refers to people getting the same thing; be it snack, support, or responsibilities. Equity refers to giving people what they need to be successful, whether success is measured in feeling satiated, feeling supported, or developing responsibility. So when a nine-year-old receives more of a snack than a three-year-old and they both finish feeling satiated, the snack wasn’t equal but it was equitable. If the nine and three-year-old both have the chore of washing the dishes, that is equal but not equitable (and not a good idea).

Not-fair moments are normal and healthy. Kids need to observe and wrestle with the concept of unfairness in life. What you’re worried about is a not-fair mentality. This results in playing the victim and blaming others every time things don’t turn out their way. The child constantly whining, “My teacher/coach/friend isn’t fair!” can become the adult constantly complaining, “My boss/spouse/life isn’t fair.” We need to help our kids with two things to prevent not-fair moments from becoming a victim mentality: acceptance and empowerment. Acceptance because life truly sometimes isn’t fair (you practice more than the starting player but you stay on the bench), and if you can’t accept that you will suffer (not struggle. We want kids to struggle sometimes because that is growth. Suffering is different). Empowerment because we often are in the position to make change – for ourselves and for others. Deciding something isn’t fair and then problem-solving a healthy and effective solution can and does change the world (think Civil Rights Movement).

Start by giving kids the vocabulary to talk about this (fair/unfair, justice/injustice, equal/unequal, equitable/inequitable, etc.), and then work with them on expressing their thoughts and feelings about the perceived injustice. Talk to them logically about the decision they take issue with, guide them in brainstorming a solution if one is available, and work with them on healthy communication and conflict skills if they decide to pursue it. If they don’t, work on radically accepting that which we wouldn’t have chosen. Restrain yourself from compensating for life’s unfairnesses by making them “right.” If Grandma gave the first grandchild $2,000 on their 18th birthday, but due to finances gave the next grandchild a Target gift card, what message do you send your young adult if you run out and buy them $2,000 worth of stuff just to make it “even”? If this is a pattern, they might learn that someone will balance out injustices for them and they won’t get good at acceptance or problem-solving.

As with almost all of the issues we tackle in this column, working on this starts in the home. In Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish point out that children don’t need to be treated equally, they need to be treated uniquely. One child might need more TLC than the other after being snubbed at school; another might need more help with homework. Giving each child the same thing could remove any chance of fighting about “fairness” but might not be meeting the need or want of each kid. Give according to need: How much applesauce would you like? How many hugs do you need tonight? But what about when your kids pull out the big guns – “Who do you love more?” Instead of answering with “I love you both the same” consider being even more genuine and thoughtful by speaking to the specialness of your love for them: “There is no one else like you in the world and I love you uniquely.” I’m not promising you won’t get the eye-roll and “Moo-ooom!” but at least this answer is absolutely true.

by: Lepage Associates Psychological Services

Q: My husband and I share the same values and goals but we parent differently and I’ve noticed when we are both with the kids they act up more. I get extremely stressed out – partly because he gets annoyed easily at regular kid stuff (being loud), and partly because he is less vigilant about safety than I am (holding hands in parking lots). I think they’re acting up because the stress level is higher. He loses his patience quickly and gets a little harsh (although it seems that everyone but me moves on quickly; I become a complete stress case). He thinks they’re acting up because I’m not firm enough with them. I think I know what works with the kids because I’ve spent more time with them and read a lot of parenting books, but I don’t know how to get my knowledge across to my husband. I’m thinking of calling a team-style family meeting to get at common goals and agreements, and then we can all help each other stay in check in a positive way. Any thoughts on how to go about this?
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A: Great question, because who among us with a parenting partner hasn’t been chafed by the other parent’s style at times (if not often)? It’s inevitable, and it’s why a fire department has one fire chief, a restaurant has one head chef, and a gorilla troop has one alpha. It’s just simpler if one person (or gorilla) is calling the shots.

It sounds as though when the family is all together the stress is increased for a couple of reasons: your husband’s lack of patience with regular kid stuff and your stress about his reaction. And then, since our children feed off our energy, perhaps the kids bring their own stress into the mix. Plus by this time these dynamics are probably predictable so there’s anticipatory stress which can jump start the whole thing. The trick is to decrease the stress in every way possible.

The idea you suggested to decrease stress is a good one – bring the whole family in on it, name the problem, brainstorm solutions, and get some quality control in there. But first, the family leaders need to get on the same page. Imagine how awkward it would be if the ‘Presidents of the United Family’ gave the State of the Union address only to end up contradicting each other and arguing about how to handle things? Chaos and mutiny would ensue.

It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page about some of the most important things: values, goals, and the fact that the current method isn’t working the way you want it to. That’s a great start. Commit to first having conversations (because this could be a process, not a quick fix) without the kids where you two explore what you want it to look like when you’re all together. If you find that you’re not on the same page about something, talk about not only what you want but why you want it. For example, one of you might want to intervene on kid arguments because tantrums are annoying and everyone gets in a bad mood, and the other person might want the kids to be able to argue with each other so they can figure out how to compromise and problem-solve on their own. It’s not unusual to find that one parent tends to work towards resolution of the immediate problem (e.g., a tantrum) while the other parent tends to work towards a more permanent long-term solution of a bigger issue (e.g., being entitled – normal for little ones but it does not age well). If this is the case, expect to have ongoing discussions since this could indicate a difference in parenting philosophy. But even in these cases, both parents usually want the same outcome for their child (e.g., to become an adult who can manage their emotions, listen, compromise, problem-solve, and work on a team). They just have different ideas on when and how to start working on it.

Once you’ve agreed on the goals, talk about ideas on how to get there. Important: Don’t get sidetracked with blame and defensiveness; keep it factual about what’s worked and what hasn’t, remembering that you’re on the same team here and everyone wants to do what works. Don’t get hooked on “my idea” – your partner might have a surprisingly good one that you won’t notice if you go into this with a closed mind. Once both of you are clear on what the expectations are for the kids and parents, take it public. Invite the kids to share their experience of the double-parenting situation with you. Maybe they feel more stress and don’t like it. Maybe they love the pandemonium because it’s meeting a need they could get met in a different way. After fully listening, explain why it’s not working for you and your husband (and the kids), share what you’ve mapped out, and invite them to add any ideas they might have to improve things. Then, clearly define a manageable, reasonable set of expectations (there’s room for adding, adjusting and refining later) and explain what will happen if they do cooperate and if they don’t. Positive incentives (especially concrete ones for younger kids, and don’t underestimate the power of praise!) can do wonders for getting buy-in and starting new habits. Avoid immediate consequences for not cooperating – new habits can be hard to start, plus they might be struggling with the same anticipatory stress you have (read here about what to do before setting consequences, and read here about how to use natural and logical consequences). Consider making a visual reminder for the expectations (list of words for kids who can read, pictures for those who can’t) and get them involved in making it – coming up with the words, decorating the poster, etc.

Remember, this is all part of the process of raising kids so don’t expect a quick change. Tell them you’ll meet again in a month (sooner for the two parents) to applaud improvements and make adjustments to what isn’t yet working. Keep it a team feel, like you said, but remember that strong teams have solid leaders so if you have a little revolutionist on your hands, remember you’re the Presidents.

And bring snacks – meetings are always better with snacks.

by: Lepage Associates Psychological Services

Q: My 3-year-old daughter has been telling lies lately. Outlandish ones and small ones, often for no apparent reason. My husband and I disagree on how to handle it, but both are afraid of this behavior getting worse if we don’t curb it. Suggestions?
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A: It’s understandable to feel confused or even concerned about this new behavior in your generally honest-to-a-fault preschooler, but rest assured that lying at this age is normal. Although “lying” suggests manipulation, and oftentimes it’s more innocent than that.

Let’s talk about actual lying first. Kids typically learn to lie between ages two and four, and it’s considered a milestone because it shows they have learned that their mind is separate from other people’s minds. True lying requires higher order thinking, like anticipating consequences, organizing information, and guessing at what the other person is thinking and feeling. It involves independence, perspective taking, and emotional control – major players in good social skills, which is why some experts suggest that failing to figure out when and how to lie well can lead to problems later in life. Preschoolers sometimes lie to avoid getting into trouble or to get something they want, but if they do it’s a pretty simple lie and they generally give themselves away if there’s further questioning.

So how should you handle it when your preschooler lies?

• Don’t set traps. If you know she ate a cookie, don’t ask her if she did so you can try to catch her lying. That doesn’t build trust.
• As much as possible stay calm about small infractions. Real lies happen because the child fears the consequences. The more our child trust us to still love them and think well of them when they’ve done wrong, and to not hurt them physically or emotionally, the more they will tell us the truth. So getting mad about small things increases the chance that a child will choose to lie next time to avoid your anger and the consequences that go along with it (shame, loss of a toy, etc.).
• State what you know to be true matter-of-factly (“I see you ate a cookie”) and remind her of the rules (“We eat cookies for dessert, not snack.”).
• Engage her in a compassionate discussion about why she did it and what to do next time (“If you’re hungry, tell me and I’ll get you a snack.” “If you’re excited about the cookies we baked earlier, draw a picture of you eating one and we can talk about how great it’ll be to have one for dessert.”). If it’s an onerous task she’s lying about (washing hands), empathize with her and help her make it more fun (sing a silly hand-washing song). Teach her to use her brain for identifying a problem, expressing it, and problem-solving rather than for lying.

Now for other non-truths. The preschool set have minds that are still struggling to distinguish between imagination and reality, and they figure it out by exploring the boundary there. Sometimes they explore it out loud and in your presence, and due to their limited verbal abilities it sounds like a lie. They might be enjoying a fantasy (“I saw a fairy on the playground today”) or imagining success (after seeing an older child tie a shoe they tell you that they tied their own shoe). They might be using it as a way to protect themselves when they feel overwhelmed (“I saved my brother when he fell off his bike” after seeing her older brother wipe out).

Here’s how to handle non-truths:

• Do nothing.

Research shows that allowing your preschooler to exist in this flexible place between fact and fiction helps them figure it out at their own natural pace, develop trust in you, and strengthen self-esteem. So play along with a fantasy (“A fairy! Wow. What did she look like?”), and help her dream of success without praising her for it (“Tying your own shoes is a very handy thing to be able to do.”). When you can tell she’s using fantasy protectively, acknowledge what she felt (“That must have been scary seeing your brother fall off his bike”), or wished she felt given her fantasy (of saving him – “You must have felt so relieved.”). It’s okay to let these non-truths go at this tender age – you’ll have plenty of opportunity to address real lying in the coming years since kids only get better and better at it. Stay tuned for this in a future post!

by: Lepage Associates Psychological Services

Q: My daughter is a bright, respectful, ambitious 16-year-old who just will not to do some of the basic things she’s going to have to do when she’s at college in a couple of years. She takes school seriously but if we didn’t wake her up in the morning she’d miss her first class entirely. She wouldn’t be caught dead looking “gross” yet relies on me to do her laundry. My concerns about how she’ll do on her own at college fall on deaf ears. Help!
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A: If only it were like at NASA: Prepare for launch in 3…2…1… Adulthood! But launching our kids is more like the building of the rocket, which takes many years. The knowledge of how to go about being an adult is not something we’re born with (who among us hasn’t figured out the hard way that some clothes don’t go in the dryer, or the importance of keeping up with your finances?). Yet it’s common for parents to get frustrated with teens who aren’t acting like an almost-adult. Why aren’t our older adolescents preparing themselves for life outside of the home?

There can be many reasons, but often it’s because they don’t have to. Sometimes our love for our children translates into efforts to make their life easier so they avoid stress and struggle. We think we’re helping them (and so do they), but really we’re robbing them of the opportunity to develop independence. Kids are going to individuate anyway and the more self-sufficient they are when that happens, the better. They’ll push for increasing autonomy, but autonomy without responsibility is a recipe for entitlement. So we need to give and expect increasing responsibility as they grow older.

It sounds like that might be your situation. Your daughter has a lot more autonomy than she did when she was in elementary school but some of her basic life responsibilities haven’t also grown. Here are some ideas that will help get you back on track:

• Tell her that some routines are going to change because you want her to develop habits that will make the transition to college much easier (and because she needs to know how to do them in life). Have in mind what responsibilities you’d like her to take over, but ask her what she wants to start with. This might open up a good conversation about what she imagines college life will be like (and give you a chance to correct unreasonable expectations). Start with a few responsibilities, then add on a couple more as she achieves mastery.
• Teach her how to do those things. Review with her how her alarm works and strategies for alarms if you are a heavy sleeper (setting two alarms, placing an alarm across the room versus by the bed, etc.) Show her how to do laundry. Something that might be obvious to you, with your years of adult experience, might feel overwhelming or intimidating to her.
• Set expectations with these new responsibilities. Tell her how often she’s supposed to empty the dishwasher, how thoroughly she’s supposed to clean the bathroom, etc. And let her know what to expect if she doesn’t follow through. One idea is to give One Free Pass for a habit fail (so she gets warning), then let your daughter experience natural consequences. She might need proof that you’re really not going to save her, and she deserves fair warning. A natural consequence for example might be that your daughter, who cares about what she looks like, has no clean clothes if she does not do her laundry.
• Let her fail. Failure is a powerful learning tool and motivator. While you might not want her to sleep all morning and miss school altogether, failures with natural consequences such as the laundry example are good.
• Praise her achievements! The positive reinforcement of praise is also a powerful motivator, and helps her develop pride in her own achievements in adult responsibility.

Many books have been written on launching our teenagers, so know you’re not alone with this struggle. There are a lot of reasons why it’s tough – our economic environment, our social culture, the nature of transition. Plus, there are a lot of areas of growth involved – physical, biological, academic, social, emotional, rational… we can’t expect our newly-minted adult children to be fully formed. After all, the human brain isn’t done developing until at least the mid-twenties. So there’s an awful lot of nudging and teaching and encouraging and supporting and trying and failing that needs to happen before the actual launching can occur. Maybe parenting is harder than rocket science…

by: Lepage Associates Psychological Services

Q: My kids are 12 and 14 and do not get along. They bicker all the time and sometimes it gets physical. They’ve always been this way and I’ve never found a good way to make it stop for long. It’s incredibly frustrating but also sad – I had hoped they would be good friends like my older sister and I are. Is there anything I can do to help them not just get along better but actually like each other more?
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A: Sibling rivalry is common enough but when it’s bad it can affect the whole family. Pat yourself on the back for wondering what you can do to change the dynamic, rather than just try to make the kids change. The fact is, there is often a lot we can do – or stop doing – to improve our children’s relationship. It starts with understanding the premise behind sibling rivalry.

According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, people are motivated by their desire to get their needs met. We must meet the most basic needs before we can move on to the next level of needs. Survival needs are first, followed by Safety needs, Love and Belonging needs, Esteem needs, and finally Self-Actualization. Anything that might keep us from getting our needs met is a threat. So in a way we are hard-wired to resent that sibling who might not only eat the last of the Cocoa Krispies but also get all of Mom and Dad’s love. Cries of “MINE!” through households and across schoolyards are common because kids innately want some, most, or better yet all of something that meets their needs.

For those of us with kids who really struggle with sibling rivalry, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish provide help in their book Siblings Without Rivalry. They share the many ways we good-meaning parents might be contributing to sibling rivalry, and what to do instead:

• Don’t compare siblings to each other. Sometimes it’s obvious when we do it (“Why can’t you be more like your sister!”), but we might be doing it unintentionally when we praise one child in front of the other: “A+ in algebra! You’re a math whiz! I’m so proud of you!” can easily be heard by the sibling who got a B as, “You are better in math than your brother, so I am proud of you and not proud of him.” This hits on needs for Love and for Esteem all in one swoop, which can trigger a deep fear of loss of Safety and Survival since children are dependent on their parents. The authors suggest that instead of comparing, describe what you notice, “I see shoes on the couch” and “I see you put your clean clothes away.” Give praise in privacy.
• Parents tend to worry about making things equal between their kids (“If we get him a bike for Christmas we have to get her one, too.”). But since kids aren’t all the same, making things equal won’t necessarily be meeting their needs. Instead, assess what each individual child needs and strive to meet it. One child might go through a period where they need more of your time than your other child does, or more reassurance, or more help with confidence, etc.
• Allow each child to be their whole self. Don’t get pulled into labels (this child is the Smart One, that child is the Social One) because it can discourage a child from pursuing something that is his sibling’s “thing.”
• Faber and Mazlish strongly encourage parents not to interfere with siblings’ squabbles and to let kids work out solutions themselves, remembering that it is up to parents to model empathy and problem-solving skills. When things get physical, keep everyone safe and help them figure things out in a family meeting. The authors also suggest that if kids are constantly irritating each other, not to force togetherness since it can damage the relationship further.

It’s tough when siblings don’t get along. After hours or years of bickering, your goal might be to just stop the argument and move on as quickly as possible. Remember that your child’s distress is an important time to try to connect with them. Here is more on that topic. Also, don’t assume that your kids will never get along. Whether it’s sibling rivalry or just clashing personalities, relationships often get better with age and physical space.

by: Lepage Associates Psychological Services

Q: After divorcing my husband a few months ago, I met a really wonderful man who I want to introduce to my children. I’m sure there are right ways and wrong ways to go about this and I want to set them up for a good relationship.
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A: That’s a great question, one that can be hard to figure out when you’re in the throes of new love. Parents are often eager to introduce their new partner to their children for both emotional and practical reasons. Experts recommend waiting a year after the official divorce to introduce the kids to your partner. The reasoning behind this is that children need time to understand that their parents will not reconcile, and to grieve the loss. Asking them to accept someone new before they have a chance to grieve sets them up to view your partner as the reason for the dissolution of their family or at least an obstacle to fixing it, and they are more likely to view your partner as a threat, since they might already be struggling with the loss of one or both parents (in some form) and fear losing you further.

It is also recommended that you introduce the kids to your partner only after you’re confident the relationship is stable (i.e. emotionally healthy) and permanent – you don’t want to ask them to bond with someone who might not stay. This second loss of a family unit can be traumatic and teach children to expect loss. Another reason to wait is that you want to ensure that your partner is not just a good companion for you but a good living partner and someone that could potentially have a positive relationship with your children. Those are things that take time to truly know. So before introducing them to your children, talk to them about all things children and parenting to see if they share similar values around this critical piece of your life. Experts recommend introducing your partner to your children after dating exclusively for at least six months, and then only if your children have worked through the grief process from the divorce.

So the general consensus among child and divorce specialists is to take your time with introducing your partner to your kids. Here’s some more expert advice:

• Tell the other parent and close family members that you intend to introduce your significant other to your children before you do it. You want them to be in the loop so they can be a good support for your kids if they need it.
• Have your kids meet your partner as a “friend,” but be honest if your children ask you if you’re dating. You want to give them accurate information but not more than they need to know or more than they can handle.
• Have them meet in a neutral spot, briefly and with a defined end time. Make it a casual event with no pressure to talk – a group get-together, or an activity that people can focus on. If your partner has kids, don’t invite them along the first few times.
• After a meeting or two like that, spend time together in a way that allows for more conversation between your partner and child (e.g., a meal after a movie).
• Hold off on sleepovers until your child is somewhat comfortable with your new relationship.
• Don’t try to convince them to like your partner. Invite their emotions and convey that whatever they feel is okay (but behaving inappropriately is not). Let them know your partner is not a replacement for their other parent. Reassure them that your relationship with them won’t change – schedule alone time with your children so they see you’re not going anywhere.

Of course, it can be hard or even impossible sometimes to follow these guidelines, and even if you do all of it an easy transition is no guarantee. If you feel like your child is struggling with you having a new romantic partner (a decline in grades, dropping out of extracurricular, a negative change in social groups, isolation, unusually sullen or sad behavior at home), consider meeting with a specialist who can help the family navigate this life experience and come out strong.

by: Lepage Associates Psychological Services

Q: Help! My 3 year-old won’t let me leave his room when it’s time to sleep. He keeps coming out and won’t settle into bed unless my husband or I are in there with him. Sometimes it only takes 10 minutes for him to fall asleep but sometimes it’s longer and we often fall asleep ourselves. We haven’t been able to figure out what the problem is. I’m concerned about it becoming a habit. How do we get him to stay in his room and fall asleep on his own?
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A: A preschooler’s sleep problem is everybody’s sleep problem. Late night crying or playing can wake family members or keep them from falling asleep in the first place. Nighttime wandering (not to be confused with sleepwalking) can be a safety issue. And then there is the joy of waking up at 3 am with a small face an inch from yours, or jolted awake from cold little feet on your back.

True sleep disorders are rare in children (but they do occur, so talk to your pediatrician to rule that out) but sleep problems are common in preschool years. It’s likely that there are some habits that are interfering with their ability to fall asleep. And that’s a good thing because that’s where you can make some changes.

It’s good to start with knowing how much sleep your child needs. In general, kids ages 1-3 need 12-14 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period. Kids ages 3-5 need 11-13 hours of sleep. Three can be a tricky age because they might be phasing out of napping. If they fall asleep toward the end of what is now Quiet Time, resist the urge to let them nap late in the day because it could make falling asleep at bedtime more difficult. That said, being overly tired can also interfere with their ability to fall asleep. If you’re now thinking that it sounds impossible to find the perfect moment to put your child to bed, take heart. Most likely you just need to change a few things and give them a chance to adjust to a new routine.

Good sleep hygiene is imperative when sleep is amiss. Start by getting rid of factors that can keep your child from getting sleepy: any kind of monitor or screen in the hour before bed (blue wavelength light is deeply stimulating), spicy foods or caffeine (in chocolate cookies or coffee ice cream), sugar, bright light (which can trip up their circadian rhythm), and roughhousing before bed (gets adrenaline pumping). If their bladder is interfering with sleep, restrict liquids for 2 hours before bed. If a pet is interfering with their sleep, remove it from the room.

Other sleep hygiene habits that are important for many kids to fall asleep or stay asleep include doing a relaxing bedtime routine and waking at the same time every day (so their body gets into a rhythm), using the bed only for sleep (so they don’t associate their bed with energizing activity), having a positive association with their bedroom (if they are sent there as punishment it can be hard to associate it with relaxing sleep), enjoying the regular pre-bedtime quiet activity (to get them into a relaxed, positive mood), and dimming the light for 30-60 minutes before bedtime (to release melatonin, which makes people feel sleepy). Keep their bedtime routine consistent, allow them a security object, and keep the bedroom cool, quiet, and dark. Many parents have found it helpful to keep the door cracked open, use nightlights, white noise or soothing music, or quietly play a relaxing children’s audiobook (might help a restless child focus and drift into sleep).

Now for ideas to help your son let you leave their room easily so you can have that small window of time before your own bedtime that can be important to a healthy marriage (or your own sanity). First, explain to him that the expectation is that once you’ve left he stays in his room and doesn’t turn the lights on. Now, ditch the idea of punishing him for his poor sleep – he doesn’t like it any more than you do. Give him an incentive – figure out a reward that you could reasonably give for several weeks the morning after he’s met the expectation (a temporary tattoo, hand stamps, sprinkles on his oatmeal or a squirt of whipped cream on his waffle if there are no food-related concerns). If he forgets about the reward at night, put a picture of it where he can easily see it. Give him praise the next morning for earning it when he does; say little or nothing about it when he doesn’t (if he asks for his reward without having earned it, calmly and briefly explain why he isn’t receiving it and end with a vote of confidence that he will stay in his room tonight and earn it tomorrow).

Another idea is to start the routine you described, but instead of staying there until he’s asleep you stay in his room until he gets sleepy. Then tell him you’ll be in to check on him in one minute (or if he can’t tolerate one minute say “I’ll be right back” and come back in 30 seconds. If he’s not easily letting you go at all and is getting riled up and more awake, tell him you are going to use the bathroom or something else that he can understand and be okay with). Check in on him when promised but don’t stay; say “I’ll be back in 2 minutes” and then maybe next time it’s 5 minutes. Gradually increase the amount of time you stay out of the room so that he gets used to being in there without you. After one or a few nights, start leaving right after putting him to bed. Maybe you can start with “I’ll check on you in 5 minutes.” Maybe you don’t need to give times after a while, and just say “I’ll be back to check on you.” If he comes out of his room, gently lead him back without talking or emotion and put him back in bed saying that you’ll be back to check on him. The point here is to help him develop trust that you’ll come back, that he can be alone in his room without you at bedtime, and eventually that he can fall asleep on his own.

Remember that it can take up to a month to change a habit. Give something a try for 2-4 weeks before deciding that it doesn’t work. Don’t lose hope – something will work or change on its own in time. I guarantee you won’t find yourself falling asleep on your 17 year-old son’s floor.

by: Lepage Associates Psychological Services

Q: I’m a mom of two young boys who seem intent on killing each other. Every time I turn around they’re rolling around on the floor in a tangle or jumping on each other. I feel like I spend half my time warning them to stop or pulling them apart. My husband tells me that they’re “just playing” and he even initiates it sometimes! I need advice on how to handle this.
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A: Roughhousing can look dangerous, I know. And of course, like any social and physical activity, it can end up with tears, hurt feelings, and injury. But with true roughhousing that doesn’t usually happen – and it’s not what the kids remember about it.

Roughhousing or horseplay (rowdy, physical, interactive play) starts in toddler years and usually ends in high school (and then resurfaces again in fatherhood!). Boys tend to roughhouse more than girls, which helps explain why your husband jumps into the fun. It’s a language of sorts for boys; a way of saying “I like you” without overt vulnerability. In adolescence it can be a vehicle for establishing a social hierarchy. And it’s a natural form of bonding for fathers which is great because research shows us there are a lot of benefits to roughhousing. In fact, it’s especially good for a child to practice roughhousing with a parent who’s good at it so the child learns these life skills as well as how to roughhouse with friends.

So what exactly are the benefits of perfecting the Peter Parker or leaping like a flying squirrel off the couch onto your brother’s back? Physical fitness (strength, coordination, body control, flexibility, agility, quickness, complex motor learning, and cardio), emotional intelligence (reading social cues, being tuned in to your partner’s emotional state, regulating your own emotions and actions in response), social skills (teamwork, trust, leadership, negotiation, setting and following rules, good-natured competition), intelligence (anticipating moves, faking someone out, creating new moves), and energy discharge. It also teaches that there is more to physical contact than sex and violence, that winning isn’t everything and there is strength in compassion, and it helps kids develop inner strength and physical confidence. Horseplay (particularly when done with a parent who is good at it) provides the endorphin rush of athletics with the oxytocin of loving touch. It also releases a chemical (BDNF) that stimulates neuron growth in the regions of the brain responsible for emotional memory, learning, language, and logic.

So what exactly are the benefits of perfecting the Peter Parker or leaping like a flying squirrel off the couch onto your brother’s back? Physical fitness (strength, coordination, body control, flexibility, agility, quickness, complex motor learning, and cardio), emotional intelligence (reading social cues, being tuned in to your partner’s emotional state, regulating your own emotions and actions in response), social skills (teamwork, trust, leadership, negotiation, setting and following rules, good-natured competition), intelligence (anticipating moves, faking someone out, creating new moves), and energy discharge. It also teaches that there is more to physical contact than sex and violence, that winning isn’t everything and there is strength in compassion, and it helps kids develop inner strength and physical confidence. Horseplay (particularly when done with a parent who is good at it) provides the endorphin rush of athletics with the oxytocin of loving touch. It also releases a chemical (BDNF) that stimulates neuron growth in the regions of the brain responsible for emotional memory, learning, language, and logic.

And let’s not forget the loving bonding that is forged between sparring partners in good roughhousing. Having fun is hugely important in developing a strong relationship with your child, so if this is what they love to do, figure out how to do it really well and jump into the fray!

Good horseplay starts with rules – spoken and unspoken, which means that people may need some time and assistance to understand them well. Skillful roughhousers know when to ramp it up and dial it down. They know exciting but safe moves. They’re willing to let the other person lead and take direction while working together to try a new move. They make sure that the other person is in the right frame of mind before initiating play, and they respect the other person’s right to stop at any time. It’s a good idea to have a code word since typical ones like “stop!” might be part of the game, especially if role-play is involved (eg. cops and robbers). The person with the physical advantage could self-handicap to make the play more even and fun for everybody. When roughhousing with your kids remember that their joints are prone to injuries so be gentle on those shoulders, and avoid roughhousing right before bed unless you want a late night TV buddy and the hairy eyeball from the other parent.

Parents need to be able to differentiate between horseplay, torment, and fighting. It’s not easy, especially for moms who didn’t grow up with brothers. One study showed that 8 and 11yo kids were able to tell the difference from videos 85% of the time. Adult men were right 70% of the time, as were women who grew up with brothers. Women who didn’t grow up with brothers thought all the videos were real fighting. Here are some key differences between horseplay and something more serious: in play, kids are smiling and having fun, taking turns, holding back in capability, and it often occurs with a group of boys who play together happily afterwards. In fights kids are crying or angry, trying to hurt each other, and usually involves only two kids who don’t want to play together afterwards. If you’re not sure which it is, ask “Are you having fun?” If one or both kids are having a hard time disengaging when they need to, a parent should intervene with a time out and cool down and afterwards help them talk about if they thought it was fun or scary or too rough, etc. Research shows that roughhousing doesn’t usually get out of hand. But sometimes a child does take it too far, and these kids often tend to struggle with self-control, emotion regulation, or can’t read others’ emotions accurately, and would benefit from coaching in those areas. In particular, young, hyperactive kids can develop more self-control through a lot of coached roughhousing with the parent gently and firmly dominating.

If you’re still not sold on roughhousing, consider this: studies of horseplay found that kids who do it more at home get better grades up to third grade and make better friends than those who don’t. Kids who roughhouse at home are less violent outside the home because they can differentiate between horseplay and aggression. Studies show that the more intelligent species and the most competitive societies engage in physical play in youth more than others do. Animals deprived of physical play tend to grow up to imagine physical threats where there are none. Lack of horseplay is linked to inadequate control of violent impulses in adulthood. Sold yet?

Make room (in your heart and your living room) for roughhousing because the more you allow it the less your kids will try to do it dangerously when you’re not around. Teach them horseplay skills to open them up to developing all those hugely important life skills. You will see bruises and scrapes and rug burns, but probably no one will lose an eye. (Probably.)

by: Lepage Associates Psychological Services

Q: My young daughter uses “Christmas” to refer Santa and getting presents. She hollers, “I see Christmas!” when we pass lights on trees or pictures of Rudolph. I don’t want her to go through life knowing only the commercialism of the holiday. But we’re not very religious and we don’t go to church so I don’t even know how to start.
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A: She sounds like my child who kept asking at the third birthday party, “Where’s my birthday?” After a few confused rounds of explaining, “It’s right now! Today is your birthday,” I realized the meaning was, “When are we going to get to the presents?” Sigh. Just remember, kids are born with the survival instinct to look out for themselves first, and pretty early on this includes needs and wants. So at an early age this is normal and they’re doing just what they’re supposed to do (plus we can’t blame them for being sucked into the cultural mainstream blaring from every TV, radio, billboard, and mall speaker, not to mention peer influence, which starts much earlier than we sometimes want!). But you’re right – it’s our job to nudge them into a less self-focused existence.

Based on your question it sounds as though by “meaning of the holidays” you’re referring to the religious stories behind them, and feel a little uncertain of teaching these due to your lack of affiliation or perhaps knowledge with any specific religion. No worries! The web has many resources to teach any age group any level of depth about religious holidays. If you want to brush up on them yourself here’s a starting point for December holidays of many major religions. No matter what your religious background, it doesn’t hurt to provide your child with information about a variety of religions. Some parents are unsure of whether to share these stories as fact or fiction (Santa, anyone?). One way to phrase it is, “Some people believe…” so that you’re not calling it true or false (unless based on your beliefs you want to call it true or false, which is your choice). The child can do what they wish with the story. If your child hears these stories as fact rather than belief and that’s not your intention, introduce them to this important concept by playing Fact, Fiction, or Belief – you make a statement (the ball is round, the dog is purple, green is the best color) and they holler out if it’s fact, fiction, or belief/opinion/preference.

In general, most kids are open to exploring basic ideas of spirituality around five. Their minds are ripe for concepts and personification of good and evil which is often part of these holiday background stories. A couple of years later they are likely to bring the subject of religion up more and might even have their own thoughts about it. Take the chance to talk about the different religious beliefs of people close to you and consider having your child talk to them and learn about it from a more personal viewpoint. Around ten years of age children are able to be even more abstract and you can introduce ideas such as free will, higher power, etc. As your child moves into the teen years they will likely start to be more influenced by their peers. Stay available for discussions about these things as you remain the home base for your child to bounce major ideas off of.

In addition to whatever religious beliefs you share with your child about the holidays, share “the meaning of the holidays” the way Dr. Seuss might have wanted you to – by talking about concepts important to character and happiness (that of self and others) like gratitude, goodwill toward others, helping those in need, the significance of family, etc. Model these things and set up experiences for your child to practice them (for ideas on how to do this see our November post on teaching gratitude during the holidays). And don’t hesitate to get the popcorn and snuggle in for How the Grinch Stole Christmas – people of all ages can use a little reminding that Christmas doesn’t come from a store, and that Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

by: Lepage Associates Psychological Services

Q: I have two kids (3 and 7) and as we enter end of the year holidays I start feeling uncomfortable that they act entitled to a lot of gifts. I have to remind them to say thank you and they are incredibly annoyed when I push them to write thank-you notes. I don’t want to get preachy with them because I know they’ll just tune out but I don’t want them to become selfish teenagers. What’s the best way to teach gratitude to kids?
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A: Kids are hard-wired to get their needs met first. It makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint – young, vulnerable creatures who didn’t demand to get their needs met wouldn’t survive. So take heart in knowing that the self-centeredness you see in your kids is a normal survival mechanism.. for a while. Eventually humans need to curb the self-focus if they want a quality life in our interdependent society. Studies done on gratitude in children and adolescents show that grateful kids tend to have better social support, stronger self-esteem, fewer physical health complaints, use their strengths to improve their community, and are more satisfied with their lives. They tend to do better academically, are more engaged in hobbies, and have a better attitude about school, family, and friends. Adults who practice gratitude are more empathic and optimistic and have lower levels of depression and stress. It’s been shown over and over that gratitude plays a huge role in happiness (some experts say it can boost happiness by 25%) which has been repeatedly linked to good health and a longer lifespan. We want all those things for our kids! So you’re right in thinking you need to step in – things like gratitude and putting others first need to be taught.

Your question specified entering the holiday season keeping gratitude in mind. Great timing – you can talk about why Turkey/Football/Macy’s Parade Day is actually called “Thanksgiving,” and relate it to present-day reasons to give thanks. Here are a couple of fun Thanksgiving projects the family can do to cultivate gratitude. Another creative option is to bring a tree branch into the house (or draw a tree) and every day have family members write down one thing they’re grateful for on a construction paper leaf and attach it to the tree.

For the gift-giving season, give your kids a portion of what they asked for. Receiving everything you want promotes a sense of entitlement, and entitled kids who grow up to be entitled adults experience frequent disappointment with life and relationships. Pass the “fewer gifts” message on to extended family, especially if loving grandparents tend to overindulge. If you do end up with a million presents, consider storing some (unopened) for another time – they can be a great incentive and reward for a major behavior change or can quickly improve moods on a boring rainy day. If you’re inundated with excessive gifts that threaten to nudge you out of your living space, consider non-thing gift ideas.

Emphasize celebration, togetherness, and tradition rather than presents. But unless you’re living under a rock it’s next to impossible to escape our gift-giving culture in December, so encourage the giving part of exchanging gifts. Have your kids make two lists – a list of what they’d like to get and a list of what they could give. This promotes empathy (given what I know of this person, what would make them happy?), being observant of others (if you’re trying to think of a gift for someone you’re more likely to notice their likes, dislikes, and needs when spending time with them), and creativity (especially if the gift is homemade). Encourage not just giving but doing for others – here’s a family challenge that can be a fun tradition around the end of the year that embraces the generous spirit of the holidays.

Get the kids in the habit of writing thank-you cards. Acknowledge their misery about it but let them know it is a part of receiving a gift, and that sending a text doesn’t cut it because it requires very little effort so it doesn’t have the same meaning (but if written thank-you’s just aren’t going to happen, email is better than nothing. Email a video of your child expressing appreciation or a help your child type a note). Make handwritten notes easier for them by gathering all the supplies (notecards, stamps, address book, etc.) and set reasonable expectations (e.g. two cards a day until they’re done). Kids who are verbal but can’t yet write can draw a picture or dictate to you their message of thanks. Elementary school kids can write it themselves – one sentence per grade is a good guideline. No matter how you’re expressing thanks, model and encourage strong, fleshed-out thank you’s that are specific and meaningful and authentic (don’t say, “I love it!” if you don’t). Don’t be afraid to channel your mother and tell your kids what she told you: “It’s the thought that counts.” And like you said, don’t just state it in a preachy way. Talk about in a way they can relate to (“I know this sweater is too young for you now, but Aunt Hattie remembers that you used to love teddy bears and she thought you would enjoy this.”).

Above all, model gratitude. The kids won’t be the only ones who benefit.