The Power of Playgroups:
How to Have a Successful Playgroup

by Evette Horton
Founder
Chapel Hill/Carrboro Mothers Club

One of the most powerful programs we facilitate in the Mothers Club is our Playgroups. The power in playgroups lies in their ability to make friendships and provide support for the members. The main mission of the Mothers Club is to help parents connect, so we believe strongly in our playgroups.

We facilitate "closed" and, from time to time, "open" playgroups. "Closed" playgroups have a small group of set members with children about the same age range. The small group meets regularly with each other.

"Open" playgroups are open to any member with any age child/children and are often held at a local park. One of our Board members usually attends to help answer questions and meet people, but other than the Board member, you never know who will show up. Open playgroups are good for folks who are new to the Mothers Club, folks who are waiting for their "closed" playgroup to begin, and/or folks who just need an extra play date for that week (been there!). We usually do open playgroups in the Spring-Fall, when the weather is usually cooperative.

Having been in a "closed" playgroup for 2 years, I often am a cheerleader for them. I talk to others about how important my playgroup has been to me. When my group started, I was desperate to talk to other moms about the colic, teething, when to switch from 2 naps to one, and walking. After all the concerns about my baby were covered, the playgroup moms ventured into concerns about us--the trauma of labor and delivery that no one really told us about, how can I be a good mom when my kid is 'tantrum-ing' in Harris Teeter, and if and when would we do this mom-thing again.

My son also loves playgroup. He looks forward to it every week. He learned all the other kids' names in the group and asks to go back to their houses. He enjoys playing with different toys every week. Now that the children are older, it is fun to watch them interacting together and finally, taking turns and sharing!

The playgroup is play for me and play for my son. It's a learning experience for us both also. It's a "win-win" situation.

So when I hear about closed playgroups that are drifting along, have fizzled, or have members who never show up, it concerns me. I don't want any member who wants (let's be honest.) NEEDS a playgroup to be left stranded. Playgroup coordinators ask members to let them know if there are problems with their playgroup, but I don't think the playgroup coordinator really hears about all of the concerns.

There are several things you can do to help ensure you have a successful playgroup experience (from this point in the article, when I say "playgroup", I'm referring to closed playgroups). Here are some of my suggestions. These are taken from experiences with my playgroup, talking with playgroup coordinators in this club and in other mothers clubs, and reading articles on the subject** (see end of article).

1. Be Assertive. As I said in a recent General Meeting, finding a good playgroup is like getting a good hairdresser when you've moved to a new town. Sometimes you get it right the first time, sometimes you don't! If things aren't working, call the playgroup coordinator and let her know.

2. Make a Commitment. Once you have your group roster, you will need to discuss and agree on how often and when you will meet. (Remember to consider nap time). Most groups usually meet once per week for consistency. Once you decide, you must attend regularly to get anything out of it! Unless you're out of town or your child/children are sick, show up. You won't feel connected with these people unless you commit to making a connection. If you change your mind about needing a playgroup, let the people know. It's ok to change your mind, but please don't leave them hanging by saying you're coming every week and then not showing. It's ok to start with a small playgroup and add on later. My group started with only 4 members but later grew to 7. (see #'s 9 &10 for more on this subject) And when all seven of us showed up with kids in tow, whoa! It was wild and fun. 6-7 is a good membership number because at least one member is sick or out of town each week.

3. Choose a Representative. Choose a representative for your group, a person whom all members will feel free to contact about the weekly meeting time and place, or any other matters the group should address. The representative will report to the playgroup coordinator regularly on the progress of the group. This person could also develop a meeting schedule from the entire group's input (flyer? phone tree? web page?) As a courtesy to the group, let your representative and home hostess know when you can't make a meeting.

4. Lay Down Some Rules. Ok so my playgroup never formally did this, but we had some unsaid rules like no hitting, pushing, biting, etc. If a little one was having a rough moment, the mom generally removed the little one from the main play area for a few minutes.

   Many Mothers Clubs have an outline of rules that members sign when they enroll in playgroups. Most cover things like hitting, kicking, biting or verbally mistreating other children or adults on a regular basis. Our club doesn't do a formal contract at this time. We leave it up to the individual playgroups.

   We know all our children are just beginning to learn basic social skills. So it's important to be patient when the children go through rough 'phases.' (Not your little baby?..I was there once also. Then I went through the 2's and 3's. Believe me, they all go through rough phases eventually.) But playgroups do have a responsibility to keep everyone safe. Talk with your group about how you all want to handle the rough spots.

5. Meet in Each Others' Homes. This is an interesting topic. My playgroup believes very strongly that you should at least start off by meeting in each others' homes. Parks and outings leave too much room for the kids to wander to the monkey bars; Parents don't wind up getting to talk to each other because they are so spread out. If the parents don't get to know and like one another, neither will the kids. It's important in the beginning of a playgroup to make the effort to get to know all the other adult members. This is easier to do in the confined space of a living room.

   Now that we've know each other for quite a while, we do take the occasional trip to the spray park in the summer, or a bus ride into town, but primarily we're comfortable meeting in each others' homes/apartments.

   I've heard the argument that some live in apartments and can't fit 7 adults and 9 kids in there. I have a small house also and understand the argument, but groups can be flexible to meet the needs of their members. We've had members in our playgroup who live in apartments and meeting there worked out fine. Remember, not everyone can show up each week. One member in my playgroup who lives in an apartment offers us the apartment pool every summer. We basically have playgroup there all summer long and she doesn't have to try and fit us in her apartment. It's great!

6. Offer to Help One Another. If I had a nickel for every time my playgroup has helped me baby-sit for one another, co-op with each other, borrow things from one another, cook for each other when one member has a new baby, call each other when one looks like they are feeling down, etc. I even had a playgroup friend pick up my mail for me when I was out of town. This is what friends are for. OK, long time Mothers Club members have heard this essay from me before, but many of us don't have family close by. We're alone in this town. The playgroup can provide some of the help that family members used to do when families lived next door to one another. However, you do have to make the effort to foster that family feeling and helpfulness.

7. Include the Rest of the Family. My playgroup has 2 or 3 Family Nights per year. The moms, dads and kids get together for a potluck dinner and play date. It's important for the dads to have other dads to talk to, and we enjoy getting to know each other better.

8. Consider a Mom's Night Out for Members. My playgroup has their own Moms Night Out several times a year and they are a favorite activity. We can't wait to get there, and let's just say that during the past several nights out, the restaurants have closed down for the evening while we're still giggling over what our children did that week. (We inform the waiter/waitresses that we don't get out much; we have small children! ) This is an important time for us. As our children have gotten older (and louder), we find it hard to get a word in to each other during the regular play date. Our Moms Night Out activity actually lets us start and finish a conversation! A true rarity in Mommyland.

   If you don't want to plan your own Moms Night Out, have the playgroup members attend the monthly Mothers Club Moms Night Out activity.

9. Be Careful About Inviting Others to the Play Date. My playgroup had this come up several times. Out of good intentions, sometimes we want to entice a new mom or neighbor into the Mothers Club by inviting them to see what the playgroup is like. Invariably they love it and want to join.Make sure you ask the other members of the group if it OK to bring someone extra to playgroup. Most of the time it's fine, but you have to let folks know up front that it doesn't mean that they are in that particular playgroup. Our playgroup discusses whether or not we're ready to add new members. We ponder it seriously because it is a commitment. Once our group decided that we were done adding new members, we let the playgroup coordinator know.

10. Be Inclusive if Your Group Decides to Add a Member. Our group added several people over the past few years. Keep in mind that it can be hard for new folks to join in the party. Make an extra effort to get to know and include the new member and their child/children.

11. Be Courteous. If your child is sick, please do not attend playgroup. Keep your child at home if he/she has had a fever within 24 hours of the meeting time.

    Remember that each mom is responsible for the well-being and safety of her own children, no matter who is hosting the group or where the group is meeting.

**The Feb. 2000 issue of CHILD magazine has an article, "Snatching, biting, refusing to share: how parents in four playgroups handle classic kid conflicts" pages 56-59 by S. Schrobsdorff. There's also good advice in WHAT TO EXPECT THE TODDLER YEARS (pages 107-110).

Posted July 2005